Talking
When a really crappy thing like cancer happens, there is BOUND to be a certain amount of anger, especially for the patient.
One thing I noticed in this past year was that when someone is ill and the 'bad' topics have to be discussed, there's usually a strong emotional reaction. After an initial anger or frustration fades, a stream of common sense can flood in to fill the void. Maybe this is the famous 'clearing the air' that folks talk about.
Jan wants to be home eventually, with ALL of her animals. Home is not safe for her right now, there has to be a LOT of cleaning out, a lot of fixing up, the animals need a better life right now, and it's not 100% certain that her home will ever be the best place for her again. This makes her so angry, though - it would piss me off, too - and that scares her friends, who don't want to upset her.
It's a unique situation because I don't live here - I see Jan once or twice a year - I'm not present in her daily life the way Joyce or her friends are. But because we have that cousin-blood bond, I'm in a different (better?) place to bring up issues that need to be discussed.
Jan's been a nurse for 30 years and is no fool. It's clear that Jan feels in limbo, and because she's a strong person, everyone takes their cue from her and all those around her feel in limbo, too. How low can we go?
I'm happy - willing, at least - to be the mechanism to bring up painful subjects and lance the boil so that Jan can move toward more useful feelings. I love her enough to make her PO'd at me.
But timing is everything. A funny thing happened when I brought up the taboo subjects; Jan was ready to discuss them. Or at least listen.
I get the feeling they are conversations that Jan's been waiting to have - and it had to be in person. It may be that no one has felt comfortable taking responsibility to have the necessary chats, there are so many boundaries that are difficult for friends and in-laws to cross.
And I'm a planner so I cope by trying to figure different scenarios that will allow Jan as much autonomy as possible while also relieving some of the problems that are growing. Taking care of bills, mortgage, setting up pay schedules, all of that being dealt with was a weight off of her mind, I could tell.
And, as I said to one of Jan's friends yesterday, if I'm annoying or the my conversations lead to bad feelings, I'll be out of here tomorrow to give the dust a chance to settle.
So now we're trying to figure out what might be physical goals that will give Jan's recovery some shape; A back brace so she can sit up, perhaps physical therapy which might lead to time in rehab, or, alternatively, maybe a move to a nursing facility.
As long as the steps we take now ARE realistic, we're moving in the right direction. They may come to nothing, but at least we're not closing the door on hope.
I don't want her to give up on her own personal goal of eventually moving back home - even if it seems unrealistic right now - so I'm also looking into waste haulage places so that we can start cleaning out her home, making it more livable for someone with cancer.
Jan's being weighted down, mentally and physically, by the sheer amount of - stuff - that inhabits her home. I'm planning on coming back down in October to spend a week or so just throwing stuff away, sorting stuff, creating some peace.
The question is, where will Jan be in October?
One thing I noticed in this past year was that when someone is ill and the 'bad' topics have to be discussed, there's usually a strong emotional reaction. After an initial anger or frustration fades, a stream of common sense can flood in to fill the void. Maybe this is the famous 'clearing the air' that folks talk about.
Jan wants to be home eventually, with ALL of her animals. Home is not safe for her right now, there has to be a LOT of cleaning out, a lot of fixing up, the animals need a better life right now, and it's not 100% certain that her home will ever be the best place for her again. This makes her so angry, though - it would piss me off, too - and that scares her friends, who don't want to upset her.
It's a unique situation because I don't live here - I see Jan once or twice a year - I'm not present in her daily life the way Joyce or her friends are. But because we have that cousin-blood bond, I'm in a different (better?) place to bring up issues that need to be discussed.
Jan's been a nurse for 30 years and is no fool. It's clear that Jan feels in limbo, and because she's a strong person, everyone takes their cue from her and all those around her feel in limbo, too. How low can we go?
I'm happy - willing, at least - to be the mechanism to bring up painful subjects and lance the boil so that Jan can move toward more useful feelings. I love her enough to make her PO'd at me.
But timing is everything. A funny thing happened when I brought up the taboo subjects; Jan was ready to discuss them. Or at least listen.
I get the feeling they are conversations that Jan's been waiting to have - and it had to be in person. It may be that no one has felt comfortable taking responsibility to have the necessary chats, there are so many boundaries that are difficult for friends and in-laws to cross.
And I'm a planner so I cope by trying to figure different scenarios that will allow Jan as much autonomy as possible while also relieving some of the problems that are growing. Taking care of bills, mortgage, setting up pay schedules, all of that being dealt with was a weight off of her mind, I could tell.
And, as I said to one of Jan's friends yesterday, if I'm annoying or the my conversations lead to bad feelings, I'll be out of here tomorrow to give the dust a chance to settle.
So now we're trying to figure out what might be physical goals that will give Jan's recovery some shape; A back brace so she can sit up, perhaps physical therapy which might lead to time in rehab, or, alternatively, maybe a move to a nursing facility.
As long as the steps we take now ARE realistic, we're moving in the right direction. They may come to nothing, but at least we're not closing the door on hope.
I don't want her to give up on her own personal goal of eventually moving back home - even if it seems unrealistic right now - so I'm also looking into waste haulage places so that we can start cleaning out her home, making it more livable for someone with cancer.
Jan's being weighted down, mentally and physically, by the sheer amount of - stuff - that inhabits her home. I'm planning on coming back down in October to spend a week or so just throwing stuff away, sorting stuff, creating some peace.
The question is, where will Jan be in October?
Feed me, baby!
8 Comments:
Sending big hugs to you and Jan. You are a hero cousin!
Annie
You are taking on a huge and difficult responsiblity which I know you can handle ...no problem with that ...but having been in a sort of similar situation I discovered that there is often a backlash ... be careful and wear armor and ask for an ear if you need one.
one hindu school of philosophy states that one should spend the first third of ones life acquiring things--both tangible and intangible, (food, clothing, family!, education, and all sorts of material goods)
the second third should be spend enjoying/using these..
and the final third should be about divesting.. getting rid of things, clearing things out (giving freely the knowledge one has spend a lifetime acquiring.
Jan has entered the final third.. (not her final day, but the beginning of giving away.. (but she has a long way to go.. a full third of her life..
its sad to give away independence, or mobility, there is a certain freedom to divesting things, (both tangible and intangible!)
Being open to the experience is the hard part. changing modes, learning to give away, to be with out, to do with out, is a learning experience as hard as learning to anything.
but i think she has a good coach in you!
Blessings on you both.
I am sending you strength and loving thoughts. Do the things for Jan that you would regret not having done once you get home!
Blessed be.
I'm not leaving my name because I am scared about sharing ANY health info online but . . .
I just want to say that lately your posts have made me want to cry because of your bravery. The strength you have and bring to those around you is incredible.
I have been seriously ill in the last year and as much as the pain as the uncertainty have been horrible, the isolation that being ill brings is much worse. Any gesture of support, any time spent just helping a sick person get their life organized or even just distracting them from their constant struggle with some stories from beyond the world of medicine cannot be overestimated in value. On my worst days, a email message from a friend just wanting to check in with me could bring me to tears because of how good it felt to know that someone was thinking of me and hoping that I might be getting better.
Fortunately for me, I might be able to return to a more normal life in the coming months. I hope the best possible outcomes for all your family and yourself. We never know what life will throw at us next but you set an excellent example of how to do what is right and what is important. Thank you for your blogging -- you have no idea how important it is to some of your readers.
As has been said here, thank you for blogging this.
It is a lousy subject. We all know we are going away. None of us really do believe until it is upon us.
Being in charge sucks. Being the bad guy sucks.
I've lost both my parents to cancer. I agree that there are conversations that need to be had, if only someone is brave enough to do it. It is also true that people are going to get angry at you.
Bless you for taking this on yourself.
It may well be that you are the only one Jan wants to have those conversations with - it is possible that she feels that you know her best & will do your best to make the best realistic decisions (if she can't). I know that, in that situation, I would only feel comfortable talking to my daughters.
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