Here
I'm here - so's Jan. But she's been unconscious for over a day, her breathing is labored and her doctor feels she'll be leaving us very soon.
I'm in the same clothes I've been in for 2 days, so I'm going to shower and ask for a recliner in her room so I can just sit with her.
Jan obtained a connect card for her computer, which I'm using now, and which makes the wait easier.
Each time I lose someone it's hard. This is one of the hardest. I feel so alone.
I'm in the same clothes I've been in for 2 days, so I'm going to shower and ask for a recliner in her room so I can just sit with her.
Jan obtained a connect card for her computer, which I'm using now, and which makes the wait easier.
Each time I lose someone it's hard. This is one of the hardest. I feel so alone.
Feed me, baby!
36 Comments:
You're not alone... And neither is Jan. Love and prayers from a stranger...
I wish I could sit with you and give you a big hug. This is tough, Annie. Please know our thoughts and prayers are with you and Jan.
Oh Annie...I am so sorry for your pain...I am sure Jan knows you are there w/her...you are both in my thoughts and prayers.
coleen
Annie
It is awful to lose someone you have loved all your life. I'm so very sorry. You are not alone. So many people love you dearly and would help if only there was something we could do. Oms and hugs are being sent your way ...
if you think of ANYTHING we can do please just ask.
Sending hugs your way Annie. This is so hard but keep thinking that she's going to a better place and you will see her again one day, whole and healthy.
Janet
Sending hugs across the miles. {{{Annie & Jan}}}
Oh, Annie. I'm so very, very sorry. My thoughts and love are with you.
Delurking to say... I don't have anything new or original to offer to ease pain and loss, though I sure as hell sympathize - but I hope that, however this goes, you won't ever punish yourself in hindsight for taking the trip to Paris. Don't go second-guessing yourself; you made the right decision. During my grandmother's last illness she got wind of the fact that the rest of us were considering canceling a long-planned trip to Greece so we could be with her, and she got my mother alone and FIERCELY whispered to her: "Don't you DARE cancel. You go, and you enjoy it, or I swear I'll come back and haunt you." So we went, and I have to say in spite of everything it really was a great trip for all of us. And she waited until we came back - and died a few days later. (And didn't haunt anyone afterward.) I think it has something to do with the desire to die with as little indignity as possible; when you know your death is going to be devastating to your people anyway, it's like adding insult to injury to feel that it's also spoiled their special plans to do something that's good for them, something soul-nourishing. From what you've said about Jan it's pretty clear that she would hate to feel that you and Hannah had lost that opportunity because of her. Hang in there.
Annie-
I am so sorry, and yet so glad for you that you have such amazing relationships with people that letting them go is so hard. I know that sometimes it helps just to talk to someone that you don't have to self-edit with- feel free to call me if you need that. Here's my number: seven two zero, four nine five three seven nine eight. Such big hugs.
Liz
I have been reading for awhile, and just wanted to express my sympathy. It is always hard to lose the ones we love, even when we believe they are just transitioning to a better place. You are not alone. And I am sure Jan knows that she is not alone too.
I am so so sorry you are going through this. I think Jan hung on for you and I'm glad you are there for her.
What anonymous at the top said - love and prayers from me too. You're not alone, and I'm sorry you're going through this. Love to you and your family.
Annie...I can't think of anything to say to make you feel better. I know you're having a hard time. It's wonderful that you can be there to support Jan as she passes; you had a close and special relationship. Take care with yourself and give yourself time after this to relax. Don't second-guess your decision to drive...Jan waited for you. All is in perfect timing.
Love, Barbara
I was alone too when my mom went into a coma that led to her death. I was barely 18. I'm sure lots of people understand how you are feeling now but I know that it is a lonely time. Sometimes even if the room is full--it still feels lonely when we are letting go of those who mean so much to us.
I will keep you and your cousin in my prayers.
I'm so sorry that you feel so alone. But it is wonderful that Jan is not. You are a good person.
Annie:
Hugs to you and Jan, and to your family. Jan knew you were on your way, and on some level, she knows you're there and is comforted by that. Know that a lot of us are holding you in our hearts.
Michele
((((((((((HUG))))))))
Dolores
Peace and blessings to Jan. Hugs and more hugs to you dear friend. I'm so glad you are there with her. You are in my thoughts.
Reaching out a hand across the miles...No wise words, just a gentle hug.
We're here too.
You are a good friend Annie. My thoughts and prayers are with you and Jan and you are not alone.
So sorry, Annie. This is one experience that never seems to get easier - only more familiar.
{Big hug.}
I'm glad you are there for you as well as her. I am comforted that my mother made her transition with those she loved around her and that I could bear witness to that phase of her life as well. It doesn't make logical sense, but to me at least, the comfort is very real. I hope you find such comfort. T
Thinking of you, and sending thoughts of strength your way.
Annie... my thoughts are with you and with Jan. I strongly believe she knows you're with her and she does hear your words.
May you both find peace during this time.
Thinking of you with concern and many prayers....
Annie, this is sacred and holy work you are doing...a vigil like no other. May you have peace and strength for this time, and everything else needed.
I also feel certain that Jan knows you are present, and is comforted.
Oh, Annie. My heart goes out to you and your family. You'll all be in my prayers.
Sincere wishes to you and your family.
I have been following your cousin's story on your blog for some time, and I am sure I am not the only one who feels as though I know her from your vivid and loving descriptions.
Toronto
You are in my thoughts.
Annie:
More positive thoughts for you, Jan, and your family during this sad time. I remember when my grandmother reached this stage during her multi-year battle with cancer. After being incoherent for many days, she slipped into a coma on December 20th, yet woke briefly on Christmas Day to say she was sorry that she didn't have gifts for anyone. She clearly knew that it was December 25th when she briefly woke up. Just as quickly she slipped back into her coma ad passed peacefully on January 1st. It is for this reason that I am confident that Jan knows that you are there with her.
Diane
San Jose, CA
May the shared memories of all the great times you, Jan and your extended families spent together sustain you through the days ahead.
Kaidy
Annie,
I'm so sorry to hear what is happening. Wish there was something I can do... Thinking of you and Jan.
Cecilia
As a three time veteran of sitting at the bedside of a loved one while they passed, my heart just aches for you. Please know that my thoughts and prayers are with you. Know that there is no one Jan would want with her more than you at this moment. She is so lucky to have you. Please know that you are not alone today-you are surrounded by the thoughts and prayers of many many people.
you may be alone in body, but not in spirit -- last night I lit the candles for my husband and Mom and felt the same alone.....
we are all connected, we are all here for you, sending love, virtual hugs and prayers for Jan that the transition be an easy one and that she is welcomed with loving arms to wherever the place is that we go
As others have said before me, you are not alone. Those of us who have been there, like you are now, are all sitting metaphorically behind you in cyberspace sending our prayers and thoughts. If you need us, just reach out to the internet - we are here for you. Hugs xx
Annie.... thanks to your love, people all over the world are missing Jan tonight. We never knew her, but we'll miss her all the same. That's a pretty wonderful elegy you've given her. Blessings on you and for her.
Barbara M.
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