Mortal

After 9/11 I found myself pondering death all of the time - death, dying, the end, finis, mort. You know it's serious when I start pondering en Francaise.

At the time I was reading a wonderful book, The Mummies of Urumchi, which somehow calmed the 'death fear' that had crept into every pore.

It was soothing to realize how long the human family stretches, how many millions (billions) of souls have been born; carved lives; created relationships; impacted many other humans; and finally, died.

I am not sure why this is a comfort to me, but it is. So I won't question it, or try to pry the mystery apart, I'll just claim some comfort. Not so comforting is the sign I passed today in front of a chiropractor's office: We'll extend your life or your money back!

I'm generally not one who goes around fearing death, preferring to be satisfied that some things are - and will be - that aforementioned un-pryable mystery. Well, I assume it will remain a mystery. At least for as long as I'm able to write my blog...

I've had my share of death and dying in the past few years, that's for sure. I'm not alone, and I'm not singular - many folks are dealing with worse garbage than I. This is not a plea for sympathy, just a statement of the path my mind and soul have been wandering lately.

I've been unsettled, uneasy, and very, very sad. Jan's passing is the main reason, obviously - but her passing has allowed all of my other sadnesses to pool into the depression. I'm moving in slow motion, a little unguided, foggy - or is it just the Minnesota November drawing in?

Preparing for bed last night, I was reading a book I'd found at the Rochester Barnes & Noble, The Buddhist Path to Simplicity by Christina Feldman, and a paragraph I read made me feel very peaceful;

Again and again we learn that the gap between what is and what "should be" is an ocean of distress, disappointment and frustration. These feelings are not intrinsic to living but derive from our unwillingness to turn our hearts and minds to the realities of each moment. To have the wisdom to acknowledge the bare truths of the moment - "this is grief," "this is fear," "this is frustration" - enables us to lay down the burden of our stories and "shoulds," and follow the road to peace.

This resonates with me right now - keeping my wants from overriding my needs, and knowing the difference is something I need to keep in my mind.

What I need right now is to finish the three projects I'm working on, and write a pattern for another very small project. Off to the left is a peek at a plaid and ribbed cardigan I'm doing.

More yarn is coming to me - Lorna's Laces is working up a colorway for me (!) and Beth wants me to check out her interpretation of my color inspiration photograph (taken from my car on a highway in Wisconsin in October).

I'm not sure exactly how it will turn out, but I'm certain it will be quite beautiful.

And the new kitten (Kiki?) is intruiged with Padma. I think it's because she spit food out in her napkin on last night's Top Chef and the kitten thought it was a hairball. She's in love. What will we do?