Sunday, March 07, 2010

More and more time

More time passes between blog posts, and it makes me sad. Not Heidi-Klum-looking-at-a-dreary-dress sad, but almost.

As you've probably guessed, I haven't blogged because of what seems to be a fully blown fibro flare up. I have no idea what triggered it; I've been keeping pretty serious records of what I eat, what I do, but all that data is absolutely no help so far.

I was so troubled by this whole return-of-the-painful-fog episode that on Friday Gerry & I saw my rhematologist again. He didn't have much in the way of new suggestions, but he wants me to see a neurologist to check my brain and then with a clean brain-scan I can begin visiting a fibro clinic near my home (I can ride my bike!)

He also suggested "seeing someone" to deal with the stress involved in this whole new [unwanted] chapter of my life, which is not a bad idea.

Much of my current stress comes from the fact that I am not just riding the bus, I'm also the one who is driving it. Unfortunately, many days I'm asleep at the wheel.

Almost as annoying as the pain and my inability to remember words, numbers - so many things - is the constant tinnitus that squeals through my head. Worse when I'm tired, it's so loud by bedtime that I fall asleep with the TV on to drown out the high pitched whine.

[a side note - I do appreciate all the comments and private emails I receive, but please don't email me any more about sleep heath. That's been checked, my sleep is dandy.]

This week I turned down 3 teaching jobs for 2010, I just don't think I can do them. I think many days I can just sit.

Just getting through the appearances I've already set up will be a bit of a push, I don't see how I can add any more. This is the point when I fear falling even farther behind in everything.

Which is when it's good to remember that Gerry went through similar mental difficulties when he was diagnosed 3 years ago. I know I'm not alone.

I've felt guilty about how little physical effect I've had on the family - not able to clean very much, not able to cook meals, not able to talk on the phone. Happily, Atticus has been with me every non-step of the way.

To assuage my guilt I went with Max on his class ski field trip (I drove my own car so I could rest or cut out early if necessary - it wasn't) The day was pretty much just sitting and watching kids come roaring down a hill at breakneck speeds, the slope was a mere 40 minutes from our house - all in all, a wonderful day.

But just driving there, showing my face, then sitting and crocheting for 4 hours absolutely WIPED ME OUT. I couldn't believe how exhausted I was later that day.

This is my new reality.

Slowly - very, very slowly - I did some sewing yesterday that has been crying out for completion for about 3 years. I finished a slipcover for our sofa-bed (the upholstery was ripped and cat-shredded) and a matching foot stool cover. You can see part of the sofa in the photo above, under the dog.

Making a slipcover for this particular sofa is something that I've done twice in the past in 3 hours. Yesterday it took me all day, from morning into the evening, moving very slowly. Don't even get me started on how slowly I'm knitting these days.

But I felt such a drive to finish it - to have SOMETHING concrete to show that I'm still contributing to the comfort of our home - that I'm helping us keep it together. And with every stitch I understood how pathetic that would sound, but it didn't make it any less true.

However, the seeds Hannah and I planted are coming up much faster than we anticipated. Very nice to see. Does anyone know if the Topsy Turvy planter will work for beans?
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posted by Annie at 4 Comments Links to this post

Alison's Scarf
Link to pdf file of cable/trellis lace scarf

Hannah's Poncho
Link to pdf file of multi-sized poncho


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