1,000
This is post 1,000. Who knew?
I've made a decision - and it was a rough one, but one that must be made for my sanity. I've been fretting the past two days over submissions, and this time I'm just going to forgo them. I need a bit of a break - I need to work on the stuff I have to do for ME (work related and family related) and I need to recharge my batteries.
If only I didn't feel the amazing guilt.
And here I am wasting my 1000th post on guilt. How silly.
Gerry Update
The improvement since he's been home from the colonoscopy is amazing. I'm sure a large part of it is the medication he's on, it's also clear how good he feels to be home. But most of all, I think he had this fear that there was something going on down there (both his mother AND father had colon cancer - as did my mom - not that that has any impact on Gerry's health, but it puts the whole CC thing into our minds.)
So the positive news from the scope was a real relief - and I think it shows in Gerry's general health. He's more mobile than he's been in MONTHS, he's still walking with difficulty, but he INSISTS on going shopping (with a kid or me), running errands (he's going to the library today - we LOVE the St. Paul library!) and he may even go with me to watch the kids taking their tennis lesson today.
I signed Maxie up for baseball - he starts on Monday - and I don't know who's more excited, Max or Gerry!
Another thing that's greatly increased Gerry's mobility is the handicapped tag we have now. Not walking those extra 200 feet make him much more willing to get out. And, once I brought home that borrowed walker, he seemed to want to prove that he does NOT need it, so I guess it worked (thanks, Martha!)
Things we've planted are starting to grow. Hydrangeas are taking root (those of you who've read my blog for a while know how much I love my hydrangeas) and I planted several rose bushes. I have some viney-things I want to put in by the fence - the ugly, ugly fence - with the hope they'll help mask some of the ugliness.
Bathroom
We met with a contractor yesterday, he's working up plans and with any luck we'll be able to see them by the end of the week. I also signed up for Angie's List (just a month, to try it out) and contacted three other contractors listed there so we can get some other bids. The rough, rough estimate was a lot more than we were expecting, but not out of line.
I'm interested to hear what others say. It's an adventure - what can I say?
Odd Mental Stuff
I've been feeling at loose ends lately - kind of in a pissy mood - which is one of the reasons I'm backing off of submissions right now. Just feeling at odd ends - fighting off a cold for about a week - irascible.
We went to Ikea a few days ago to look at kitchens, we saw some stuff we liked, and then we had dinner. As we were getting our trays and silverware both kids demanding answers to questions, Gerry had questions, all of this while I'm trying to herd them into line and make sure they take 2 vegetables and 1 dessert.
When it came time for me to order, I was a total blank. What did I want? Who knows. I just took the next thing they slid up on the shelf (meatballs and a salad.)
It was a very minor thing, but it seemed indicative of how I'm feeling these days. I feel like the answer woman - and I have to make sure that I give myself the space that's required to find the answers. I cannot, however, figure out the answer to how to get my blog back onto bloglines! Arrgh!
Summer Schedule
Tomorrow we go to the oncologist again for another monthly round of Zometa. I'm hoping we'll be able to get some kind of a time frame for this summer on when the chemo will start and what the stem cell forecast is. I'd love to be able to send the kids back to NJ for a week (or two?) to stay with friends. Several parents have asked - our kids are missed! - and it would also be good to have them away when Gerry starts the high dose chemo.
I know chemo's not as bad as it used to be, but calming kids' fears while Gerry's trying to figure out how he'll deal with this new phase may be difficult juggling act. I've scheduled myself for a few classes over the summer - much less teaching than my winter gigs - and I think I have most of my classes up-to-date on my appearances calendar. Check it out and see if I'll be near you!
The Bucks
Our grand plan was for Gerry to dive headlong into providing home support for the knit business while I traveled, taught and designed the Spring and Summer away. Well, obviously there was a little hitch in that plan and most of my time's been spent playing catch up with not a lot of time for long-term planning.
When you lose your job, you feel the paycheck ending immediately. When you're a freelancer and you slow your output, it sometimes takes a few months for the bank account to catch up.
It's one of the oddnesses of freelancing - often when you're working your butt off the bank account is empty, and when you have a dry spell the checks start coming in. We knew that moving out here would be a gamble - losing Gerry's income when he quit his job - but we also figured that my increased productivity would make up for it.
So much for the increased productivity! (I'm productive enough - we're okay - but I haven't been able to restock the mental design pantry as full I'd like it to be.) Let's just say that I've never been happier that we're a naturally frugal family!
Doing this bathroom addition is a hard thing to swallow, but we budgeted for it when we bought the house, we really need it now, and I know in my heart of hearts that it will dramatically increase our home's value. It's still hard.
So I'm feeling relieved that Gerry's finally agreed to go check into SS disability benefits. He has an appointment to see them the day I leave for Columbus for TNNA (I wish I could be there - but it was the only date available, probably because it's right before a holiday weekend) He's spending a lot of his time getting everything together and surfing the web for information on what exactly will be required of him at the interview. For some reason we're not able to do this online, as they suggest, so it will be the interview!
He was happy to see that Multiple Myeloma was specifically mentioned as a bona fide reason for disability - yay. Who knew a year ago - 4 months ago - that this would be a source of happiness?
I've made a decision - and it was a rough one, but one that must be made for my sanity. I've been fretting the past two days over submissions, and this time I'm just going to forgo them. I need a bit of a break - I need to work on the stuff I have to do for ME (work related and family related) and I need to recharge my batteries.
If only I didn't feel the amazing guilt.
And here I am wasting my 1000th post on guilt. How silly.
Gerry Update
The improvement since he's been home from the colonoscopy is amazing. I'm sure a large part of it is the medication he's on, it's also clear how good he feels to be home. But most of all, I think he had this fear that there was something going on down there (both his mother AND father had colon cancer - as did my mom - not that that has any impact on Gerry's health, but it puts the whole CC thing into our minds.)
So the positive news from the scope was a real relief - and I think it shows in Gerry's general health. He's more mobile than he's been in MONTHS, he's still walking with difficulty, but he INSISTS on going shopping (with a kid or me), running errands (he's going to the library today - we LOVE the St. Paul library!) and he may even go with me to watch the kids taking their tennis lesson today.
I signed Maxie up for baseball - he starts on Monday - and I don't know who's more excited, Max or Gerry!
Another thing that's greatly increased Gerry's mobility is the handicapped tag we have now. Not walking those extra 200 feet make him much more willing to get out. And, once I brought home that borrowed walker, he seemed to want to prove that he does NOT need it, so I guess it worked (thanks, Martha!)
Things we've planted are starting to grow. Hydrangeas are taking root (those of you who've read my blog for a while know how much I love my hydrangeas) and I planted several rose bushes. I have some viney-things I want to put in by the fence - the ugly, ugly fence - with the hope they'll help mask some of the ugliness.
Bathroom
We met with a contractor yesterday, he's working up plans and with any luck we'll be able to see them by the end of the week. I also signed up for Angie's List (just a month, to try it out) and contacted three other contractors listed there so we can get some other bids. The rough, rough estimate was a lot more than we were expecting, but not out of line.
I'm interested to hear what others say. It's an adventure - what can I say?
Odd Mental Stuff
I've been feeling at loose ends lately - kind of in a pissy mood - which is one of the reasons I'm backing off of submissions right now. Just feeling at odd ends - fighting off a cold for about a week - irascible.
We went to Ikea a few days ago to look at kitchens, we saw some stuff we liked, and then we had dinner. As we were getting our trays and silverware both kids demanding answers to questions, Gerry had questions, all of this while I'm trying to herd them into line and make sure they take 2 vegetables and 1 dessert.
When it came time for me to order, I was a total blank. What did I want? Who knows. I just took the next thing they slid up on the shelf (meatballs and a salad.)
It was a very minor thing, but it seemed indicative of how I'm feeling these days. I feel like the answer woman - and I have to make sure that I give myself the space that's required to find the answers. I cannot, however, figure out the answer to how to get my blog back onto bloglines! Arrgh!
Summer Schedule
Tomorrow we go to the oncologist again for another monthly round of Zometa. I'm hoping we'll be able to get some kind of a time frame for this summer on when the chemo will start and what the stem cell forecast is. I'd love to be able to send the kids back to NJ for a week (or two?) to stay with friends. Several parents have asked - our kids are missed! - and it would also be good to have them away when Gerry starts the high dose chemo.
I know chemo's not as bad as it used to be, but calming kids' fears while Gerry's trying to figure out how he'll deal with this new phase may be difficult juggling act. I've scheduled myself for a few classes over the summer - much less teaching than my winter gigs - and I think I have most of my classes up-to-date on my appearances calendar. Check it out and see if I'll be near you!
The Bucks
Our grand plan was for Gerry to dive headlong into providing home support for the knit business while I traveled, taught and designed the Spring and Summer away. Well, obviously there was a little hitch in that plan and most of my time's been spent playing catch up with not a lot of time for long-term planning.
When you lose your job, you feel the paycheck ending immediately. When you're a freelancer and you slow your output, it sometimes takes a few months for the bank account to catch up.
It's one of the oddnesses of freelancing - often when you're working your butt off the bank account is empty, and when you have a dry spell the checks start coming in. We knew that moving out here would be a gamble - losing Gerry's income when he quit his job - but we also figured that my increased productivity would make up for it.
So much for the increased productivity! (I'm productive enough - we're okay - but I haven't been able to restock the mental design pantry as full I'd like it to be.) Let's just say that I've never been happier that we're a naturally frugal family!
Doing this bathroom addition is a hard thing to swallow, but we budgeted for it when we bought the house, we really need it now, and I know in my heart of hearts that it will dramatically increase our home's value. It's still hard.
So I'm feeling relieved that Gerry's finally agreed to go check into SS disability benefits. He has an appointment to see them the day I leave for Columbus for TNNA (I wish I could be there - but it was the only date available, probably because it's right before a holiday weekend) He's spending a lot of his time getting everything together and surfing the web for information on what exactly will be required of him at the interview. For some reason we're not able to do this online, as they suggest, so it will be the interview!
He was happy to see that Multiple Myeloma was specifically mentioned as a bona fide reason for disability - yay. Who knew a year ago - 4 months ago - that this would be a source of happiness?
18 Comments:
A & G - Did you previously say that Max was signed up for baseball... it would be great for Gerry to have access to some male friends. After I stopped working due to back disability I felt SO isolated from people and with moving he must really be going through withdrawal. You kind of feel like you've lost your identity. Imagine if you stopped knitting and were not around your knitting friends anymore! Along with all the pain and bleck (that's a word) he's going through he's lonely too. And as a wife, mother, breadwinner you feel all the responsibility and enough guilt for 10 families. (As a daughter of an alcoholic and a woman we do that guilt thing way too much) Guilt is pretty much a worthless emotion in my book if your doing the best you can! Give yourself a break. Hopefully SS disability is a little easier for his diagnosis than it is for back problems... it was right up there on the emotional scale with death for me - so be prepared for it.
Maybe with taking a break from some things you'll feel better about the things you do get accomplished.
Good thoughts to you and yours...
Robin/Indy
Hi, I got your bloglines feed loud and clear... if it helps, the feed I subscribed to was http://www.blogger.com/feeds/3654891/posts/full
Jen
I just resubscribed to a different feed in bloglines last week and it's working fabulously now.
And just remember, if you don't take care of YOU, you won't be able to take care of anyone else like you want to either. You've got a crazy lot on your plate right now.
I am very glad that Gerry is feeling better and up to getting out some now.
Thanks guys - and thanks for letting me know about the feeding!
I'm glad Gerry is feeling better. Don't be surprised if SS rejects you on the first try. We went through it with my sister who had a stroke (nonambulatory, could barely talk- Sure, she can work!). All it took was a letter from a lawyer and things turned around immediately. Good luck!
Happy thousandth, Annie! My bloglines feed has been working for several weeks just fine!
Like Anonymous said - don't be surprised or disappointed if SS rejects the first application -- I swear they do that because some people get disappointed or believe that is the only chance they get so SS gets to save some money -- it seems to be a pattern with them - and sometimes it may take a few times -- don't give up though - you worked for the benefits so take advantage of them when you need them.
Yep, I hear you loud and clear on bloglines. I'm using the first of the 2 feed addys I mentioned in the comments yesterday. Now just to get the word out to the 500 + other blogline people who use the other feeds!
{{HUGS}} please don't forget about you. i believe everyone has spoons they need to keep track of.
Please understand myeloma does not mean automatic Social Security benefits. My husband has myeloma with bone destruction and has been denied twice. We now have a lawyer. But you never know, maybe he will be lucky enough to be approved on the first try. Good luck!
I don't have much to offer, but know that I'm sending good thoughts your way. It's important to know when to let your creative soul rest. I'm sure that after a break she will be overflowing with great ideas again.
I'm so pleased to read that G is feeling better! Good thoughts being sent your way :)
By all means, Annie, take a break. You have earned it.
When I first found your blog, a few weeks ago, I marveled at it. You started it as a story of a mother, knitter, designer and wife, and it turned into a story of your family's dealing with Gerry's cancer. I found it touching.
What I didn't know was, at the same time, a tumor was growing in my own husband's brain. Fortunately, it shattered two weeks ago, causing a hemorrhage that did no damage, but made us aware of it.
He has surgery next week to clean it out and biopsy it. I have taken comfort from the strength I have observed in you and Gerry. I know no matter what happens, Philip and I will get through this with God's help.
We meet with a lawyer today, to get our will up-to-date. Should have done it ages ago.
And, now, my blog becomes the story of a knitter, mother, wife of a man with a "thing" in his head.
Take your break. We all love you and Gerry and the kids. We are praying for you.
Love, Ann-Marie (Cookie)
Hi Annie,
Just like Cookie said, take a break. You havenÕt just earned it - you need it. I know what itÕs like to support the one you love through rough times. You know, the first bodily response to stress is to get busy. It stops you from thinking, feels like you are doing something and itÕs all needed. And when all of your energy is used up Š you break. Well, I did. And you canÕt break when you are needed so much. Please look after yourself, have a break Š you do need it. I am glad to hear that Gerry is feeling better, you were in my thought for the last couple of months. I am praying for you.
Katya
Hi! I'm catching up on my blog reading after having been away for several weeks - so sorry to hear about Gerry's diagnosis. I'm mentioning my time away, because I actually completed a program at Hippocrates Health Institute (www.hippocratesinst.com) in West Palm Beach. They have a long track record of helping people with cancer. In fact, one of the video testimonials features a woman with Multiple Myeloma. I found the program quite tough and it doesn't come cheap, but it's all based on letting the body heal naturally. Even if you don't think that this is for you, it might be worth looking into alternative therapies. Feel free to contact me if you have any questions - I'd be happy to tell you all about it. All the best to you, Gerry, and the kids.
Bless you, Annie.
I don't know about bloglines, but I have asked the livejournal folk to correct the link to your rss feed. When you went to atom, the link there broke. Your syndicated livejournal name is, btw, modeknit.
I'm glad that Gerry is feeling better and getting about more. Good luck with everything. I keep both of you in my thoughts.
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