Second Honeymoon, (with Chemo...)

The past few weeks have been a very special time. Being able to be alone with Gerry - well, except for the doctors & nurses doing intimate things with G that I won't even go into... - has been a tremendous experience. We've had such a good time, which isn't how Cancer is supposed to be, right?

We've been sight seeing - taking odd drives to figure out exactly WHAT those smokestacks in the distance are - and I've been going on daily walks with Atticus around the church at St. Mary's Hospital. It's lovely.

We've enjoyed each other's company, and after 14 years of marriage we both feel pretty lucky that it's been such a great few weeks. We laugh all the time, at the stupidest things, and have a good time with just about everything we do. As Zero Day approaches we've been getting a bit more tense, but nothing we can't handle.

And now, tomorrow - er, today - is Zero Day. This is the day of the transplant, which is supposed to be anticlimactic after all of the odd things that have transpired to this point. Every day after this is numbered - Zero Day Plus One, Zero Day Plus Two, etc.

At Day Plus One Hundred we're supposed to come back to Mayo for follow up. The nurse practitioner told us Thursday that when someone lives as close as we do - 81 miles from Mayo to our house in St. Paul - they tend to let them head home sooner than someone who lives halfway around the world.

She actually used the words, "Day Plus Fifteen" when making an educated guess on when Gerry might be able to go home.

Because the transplant is today - the last day of August - counting the days for the first month will be quite easy. Day Plus 1 is Sept 1, Day Plus 15 is Sept 15.

And that's the day I'm returning from [gleam] France.

ZERO DAY
I can't sleep. I feel like I'm preparing for the D-Day invasion. My sister in law made me an adorable peaked cap, decorated with the stars and scrambled eggs of a General, with "Organization" emblazoned across the front. I am the Organizational General.

Everything, though, seems to be coming together beautifully;

• Gerry had his second day of chemo yesterday and so far so good (he's not supposed to feel the effects for 5 days or so - when I'll be in [gleam] France.)
• Gerry's mom and sister arrived Wednesday without a hitch
• The kids arrived and they're beautiful, healthy, happy & lice free!
  
• We have all of his meds sorted out for his mom in a compartmentalized container
• We're getting the keeping the room practically sterile thing down
• I spoke to the St. Paul City Electrical Inspector and she was a HUMAN BEING (yay!)
• The bathroom floor is laid, it's lovely
• The kitchen floor should be down on Friday
  

Oh, and I'm leaving on Sunday evening for [gleam] France. Bonjour! AND the Inn I'm staying at has Wifi. Booyah.

GERRY
Is doing really well. He's still basking in the 13,000,000 plus stem cell harvest (I'm going to have a T shirt made up for him touting this amazing feat) and he wanted to walk to the clinic for his second day of chemo - except we were running late. Darn.

Our [fabulous] nurses yesterday told us that every day that he's able to be active and move around means 5 less days of recovery down the road. YAY!

So as long as he feels like it, we'll walk.

Plus, it's been an amazingly beautiful few days here in Rochester - sunny and cool - perfect for walking a half a mile!

Gerry told me yesterday that the night before - the night when he couldn't get to sleep until 4:00 am - he seriously thought about death for the first time. We didn't talk about it in depth - but with all of our joking about "Hey, the service here is terrible! I don't have much time, you know!" this was the first time the hooded one entered the room for anything but a chuckle (or a game of Battleship...)

The 5:45 appointment with surgery for his central line went very smoothly. The line is in, I've changed the dressing once (very nicely - I wanted the video TWICE before I did it) and it seems to be healing beautifully. The chemo nurse yesterday said it didn't look like he'd just had the line put in the day before.

Our amazing Gerry - everything his body's been asked to do has been done magnificently. YAY!

After his chemo yesterday, which was a bit delayed, we strolled home and he felt really good. Before the chemo I forgot to pick up his drugs downstairs, then when we arrived at the chemo station we were generally gestured toward a room without a lot of guidance.

It was our luck of the draw that the next two folks we ran into were a tech from a different floor who couldn't really help us, and a nurses aid who told us in NO uncertain terms that NO, we DIDN'T have to wash our hands before we entered Gerry's room (all the signs said, WASH YOUR HANDS, so we did.)

The upshot was that when we finally arrived in the chemo room we felt tense, confused, and as if we'd been scolded. That was when I realized I had forgotten to pick up the drugs, so I rushed down to the pharmacy only to realize I didn't have my wallet.

So back up to the room, then back down to the pharmacy, paid for the drugs (I was so stressed I wasn't nice to the pharmacist, I have to go apologize today...) and then back up to Gerry's room to have the nurse go over the drugs and chat with us long enough to calm us down.

After that it was a breeze. The chemo was put in through Gerry's central line, he felt great, the nurses were so wonderful (as usual here at Mayo) and we're getting so used to feeling lucky we don't know what we'll do when we have to go back to feeling like 'normal people.'

It's a crappy way to feel special, but better to embrace the positive aspect of this whole adventure, ne c'est pas? Hey, that's FRENCH!

KNITTING
So little to mention, I'm ashamed to say. I've missed several submission deadlines (oh, well!) I've done NO work on any book proposals (oh, well!) and I've barely been able to get any knitting done at ALL (damn!)

I'm planning on getting a lot done on the flights from MN to London, then from London to [gleam] France, but I need to double and triple check the needle allowances on international flights.

Since I'm working on a mitered project I can use dpn needles, so I may just bring them and pack EVERYTHING else in my luggage just to be safe. They're slower than my long metal needles, but I'd hate to LOSE my long, metal needles!

ME
Tired, but good. Lots of work yet to be done, much more behind me. When I stop and think about the work it overwhelms me, so instead I just make sure the next few days are planned out and put one foot in front of the other.

Today my sister in law and I drove up to St. Paul to clean the house and pick up the kids. The house is FAR from pristine, but it's light years better than it was! Our 10+ year old vacuum cleaner, which was a cheapo stopgap when we bought it and has never been great, was just too lightweight for the massive task.

So I stopped at Sears on the way home and finally got myself a halfway decent true HEPA vacuum.

I figure this is the time to try to get the house as clean as possible - for me, for Gerry, and for the kids and the kind folks who will be staying with them over the next two weeks! His immune system will require a better vacuum - so why put it off?

We arrived with our new vacuum and face masks and cleaned like there was no tomorrow. Gayle worked so hard - so did I - and at the end of 3 hours 90% of the dust was gone, things were in a better working order, and we felt quite pleased with ourselves. Saturday Gayle, the kids and I will drive up and I'll get them settled in before I leave Sunday afternoon for - oh, you know...

Gerry mentioned the other day I haven't been talking much about France - haven't really mentioned it at all except in organizational terms - so I bought a guidebook for Languedoc and I'm trying to drum up the enthusiasm that this trip deserves!

My heart is wrenched, though, with the thought that when Gerry's at his absolute worst, I'll be resting poolside in Southern France.

My heart is wrenched, but my soul is looking forward to this.

People have been VERY kind about writing to say to be sure to take care of myself , the caretaker, and that's lovely of them. It's nice that caretakers get consideration, it means a lot.

I knew this would be a lot of work, but I hadn't realized how MUCH work.

Every single minute is devoted to either lifting, carrrying, arranging, cleaning, phoning, picking up, dropping off - it is very much like having a baby or toddler (a very large toddler) who has definite opinions about certain things, and also a certain amount of pride.

Gerry's been amazing - just wonderful - and I am very lucky. I can imagine how easily this could disintigrate into something very unpleasant if either caregiver or care-ee lacked respect for what the other was going through.

Gerry appreciates all that I'm doing, and that means so much. On my end, I never lose sight of how hard and odd this whole thing is for Gerry - who felt pretty darned good just 6 months ago.

But even as great as Gerry's been, because he IS an adult human, I can't just steamroller him and push him along. He has pride and an ego (as we all do) and he needs to be able to make as many decisions for himself as he can. This would be so easy if it were a dictatorship - as long as I were the dictator.

This means sometimes in addition to all the other stuff I find myself cajoling, wheedling, and pulling him toward a decision or choice. Not that he's being recalcitrant, just HUMAN. And I know - in my heart of hearts - that I'd be 1000% times more difficult.

Actually, I have been 1000% more difficult, so Gerry has a long way to go before I have anything to complain about!

DAWN
So here I sit at 4:01. The wake up call is scheduled for 4:45, so it's hardly worth going back to bed. I couldn't sleep - worry, tension, weight of planning - there's only so much room in the bed (and Atticus is taking up a great deal of it.)

Hannah grew inches, I swear! She's so beautiful - her hair was flat ironed (and lice-free!) and she looked so well loved! Max's hair is not as short as I feared and he looks oddly vulnerable. I thought he'd look tough, but you can't turn Opie Taylor into a skinhead, no matter HOW short you cut his hair!

We went down to Canadian Honkers for dinner last night, we all ate well and laughed. The kids went off to swim with Gerry, masked, looking on. Gayle and Elaine walked Atticus and I ran to the grocery store to stock up on necessities and some fun stuff for Gerry to entice him to eat when I'm gone.

The kids are sleeping down in Grandma / Aunt Gayle's room because we want to keep this room as person-free as possible. Also, there's no need for them to get up at 4:45 - and we can't really leave them alone in the hotel room - so it's easier for everyone if they sleep in the pull out bed.

Just another night without my kids. I miss them so much. They're one floor away and I just want to go wake them up and hug them. But I won't. I'll just sit up for another 40 minutes watching A History Of Britain - the best sedative I have.

Thanks to everyone who's written with good wishes for today - our wake up call just came through, so I guess it's time to wake up the man of the hour!

Free Tix Anyone?

Here's the thing - I have 5 tickets to the Prairie Home Companion show at the state fair for this Friday, but we can't use them.

I got them LONG ago - I think in April - we thought it would be fun to have Gerry's mom come out to MN for the State Fair and take her to see the show. This was, of course, before the diagnosis of MM.

And definitely before Gerry's actual 9-hour transplant procedure was scheduled for this Friday.

Ironically, Gerry's mom IS coming out, but she'll be in Rochester with the rest of us. And NOT to see Prairie Home Companion - more's the pity.

So, long story short, we can't use the tickets. Anyone want them? Free?

I have 5, and I can divide them up however you want (you don't need to take all 5) The dig is that I'm in Rochester, MN. The show is up in St. Paul this Friday.

And you are - where?

So if you're not in the Rochester area and want to pay for overnight mailing so you'll have them in time, I'll be happy to send them to you tomorrow. If you're in the Rochester area we can arrange for you to get them from us in the next few days.

Email me back by noon tomorrow and I'll pick the brief, non-attachment email message that makes Gerry laugh the hardest.

Today Sucked. Yes, It did.

Tomorrow at 5:45 we have to be at the Mayo - he's having his central line put in, so from now on no more needle sticks for his blood draws and for his chemo. He's more upset about the early hour than he is scared about the procedure.

Tomorrow has GOT to be better than today.

In brief, today I:

1. Moved us from one room to another in 1-1/2 hours (A thunderstorm knocked out the switchboard, so our wake up call didn't happen, thus we didn't have as much time as we needed for the move before we needed to be at Mayo for an appointment.
   
   The guy at the desk said we had to be moved into our bigger room by 12:30 [Gerry's mom coming = we need a bigger room] so I did the supermarket sweepstakes of room moves. Dang I'm tired.)
   
   
2. Got talked down to in a condescending "little lady" manner by the resident handyman / I.T. guy here at the hotel ("You're on a Mac? Oh, well that's the problem..." Ooooh, I was so damned mad. Still am. Their router is down, so no wifi, obviously it was the storm. How about resetting the modem, genius?
   
   Did I mention that the handyman was SO condescending and arrogant.
   
   Have I also mentioned that EVERY woman at this hotel is amazingly kind, but some of the men aren't?
   
   
3. Ran over an already dead deer.
   
   (I don't think it did any damage to the car as I was able to straddle it, but it was exciting. I couldn't avoid it, there was a car in the lane next to me and it just appeared as I came over a hill. Dang. I envisioned the handyman.)
   
   
4. Was seated outside for dinner 1 table away from a bowl of sugar water filled with huge WASPS who were loaded for bear?
   
   (We didn't stay there long, no wonder we were the only folks on the patio...)
   
   
5. Choked so badly on my dinner (to the amusement of the table next to us, who didn't realize I was choking and thought I was goofing) that I retched (no one laughed at THAT!) and it took me a good 30 minutes for my throat to 'calm down.' Scary.
   
   Or maybe just a pathetic bid for attention after the deer incident garnered little sympathy from Gerry? Can running over a deer cause dysphagia?

In the Right Place

I am so happy. I feel so lucky - fortunate - blessed - whatever the word you want to use - that we ended up here for this period in our lives.

So, whether my standing half-joke that my mother and brother were YELLING at me from the great beyond to MOVE YOUR FAMILY TO MINNESOTA is true; or whether we just got lucky enough to find a home a mere 81 miles from the pre-eminent research center for Multiple Myeloma, the Mayo Clinic, we're in a good place.

Last night as we were driving home from my book signing at the Textile Center, we took a little detour so we could scoot past downtown and just enjoy the skyline. It was good for both of us.

I could tell that Gerry felt calmer & happier than he has in a long time (well, we had the dog with us) We enjoyed our busy, busy day yesterday!

BTW, I didn't take this great photo, but it's what we saw last night. Catch some other cool images of the Twin Cities from this photographer here!

THIRTEEN MILLION
Gerry was getting a bit of a swelled head with his monumental collections of stem cells, so on Thursday the stem cell gods had to take him down a peg.

Mayo was only able to collect enough cells to bring him up to 10.8 million, so we had to go in again on Friday.

It was a bummer to him that he had to get back in that bed and lay for 5 hours, but at least he got to see the end of Stranger Than Fiction and now we're WAY over the hoped-for goal of 12 million cells.

We are the proud owners of 13,110,000 cells. Life is good. Now we have plenty for future stem cell transplants if/when that need arises.

MARATHON SPRINT
Yesterday was so busy - we were up a little after 5:00, to the hospital at 7:00 for cell collection, me off to mail a package & run some errands.

When Gerry was finished around 1:00 we hugged all the nurses, I passed out some books and signed them (so many of nurses knit!) and we hopped in the car and drove up to pick up Atticus

(WHAT a happy doggie he was - he was very happy and healthy and we feel more balanced to have him here!)

Then we continued up to St. Paul to drop the doggie off to be groomed, drop Gerry off at the house to check mail and look over some stuff, and I rushed over to get my hair cut (and I was only 5 minutes late!)

After the haircut - thank you Meghan! - I rushed back to pick up Gerry, then ran over to pick up Atticus (they were still working on him so I took 5 minutes to put on my makeup) and THEN I defeated the laws of physics by making it from Ford Parkway up to the Textile center in 18 minutes WITHOUT speeding. Touch me.

It was a blast to have Gerry AND Atticus with me for my book-signing talk. Gerry'd never heard me do my "thing" before - neither had Atticus - so it was a little nerve wracking (in a good way!)

Gerry got to see my private pre-teaching / lecturing ritual where I sit in a car with the air conditioner on FULL BLAST to lower my core body temp. No matter WHERE I am, when I'm up in front of people the room is hot, I'm hot and this somehow helps me not turn bright red within the first 5 minutes. Well, that and my green concealer...

It's always a delight to meet knitters, even more special to meet folks in person with whom I've been corresponding. The icing on the cake is meeting folks who are now part of my physical community - what a joy - and how great to have Gerry there, too!

OFF THE CUFF
Perhaps because it's been a few months since I've done a simple lecture, or perhaps because I was given very free rein last night (it was a fundraiser, so I was pretty much able to talk about whatever I wanted to!) I think I was a little ramblier than usual.

My talk was well received, folks laughed and I used the poor guy in the front row (husband of a knitter) as a foil for a lot of jokes. He took it very well, he was a mensch. He laughed a lot, which made me feel exceptionally happy because sometimes I'm afraid a lot of my humorous stuff may be too knitter-specific.

But, even though I scooted around my topic from 14 different directions, I came out at the right place. There's a formula, famously riduculed in Crimes & Misdemeanors; Tragedy + Time = Comedy.

I realized last night that the point of my whole teaching - my whole knitting - career is this formula: Mistakes + Grace = Wisdom.

It's nice when I get something from my lectures, too!

FIBER + WORK = TEXTILE
I cannot say enough nice things about the Textile Center.

First and foremost, when Jennie took me there on my tour of the Twin Cities last April, I realized, "I want to live in a place that has a center like this!" How great to have a location for the guilds to meet, for classes to happen, for exhibits and - best of all - for a LIBRARY of all those books you'd love to look at, but can never seem to find!

I love the Textile Center, and I was so proud to be able to do something for the library to help them raise funds!

But when we got back to Rochester we were TIRED. Just absolutely bushed! What a full day!

TODAY
Today we're taking it easy. We actually have to make it back up to the Twin Cities at some point this weekend to pick up books that I neglected to pack in the car yesterday, and to drop off copies of THE LETTER from the city of St. Paul to the previous home owners (I really hope we can just work this out between ourselves - that would be the best, cheapest, easiest and least anxiety filled way to do so!)

They live sort of near us, so we're hoping for an easy and intelligent resolution. It's a real shocker, though, to get a letter stating that our house may be 'red tagged' in 30 days - which, incidentally, would correspond with Gerry's homecoming!

I took Atticus out for a walk this morning, we finally went up into the park behind St. Mary's (it's as much of an oasis as I'd hoped it would be - and me without my camera!) He looks thin, but healthy. We'll fatten him up a bit! Now all we're missing is the kids...

MAYO
We got a funny email from the family that's watching Max right now - here's what it said;

After I put Max to bed last night with his head covered in mayonnaise, John pointed out that he and his Dad were both at the "Mayo" clinic!

Gerry and I laughed and laughed. I hope Max is laughing, too!

HERETIC

And here's something for the heretical amongst us.

While we were waiting for our What To Expect While You're Getting Chemo info session at Methodist / Eisenberg, we were put in a room where the chemo chair faces this framed print of Jesus. So, having Hebrew School for the kids on our minds, we gave Jesus a "Bar Mitzvah Boy" Makeover with the help of a little tape, yarn, paper & scissors;We removed all evidence before we left...

Wheat & Chaff

Harvesting in Minnesota - just in time for the Minnesota State Fair!

We had a bunch of news today. All of the health related news was good, and all of the other type of news not so good. But not so bad, just not great.

But news - good, bad or indifferent - can be overwhelming when it all comes at once! The hard part is separating the good from the bad - the wheat from the chaff. Good thing we have a separator.

FIRST THE GOOD
Gerry had his third day of cell harvesting today, and it's been a bumper crop!

So far they're obtaining a lot of cells from his collection - almost 9 million in 3 days (1.3M on day 1, 3.1M on day 2 & 4.4M on day 3!)

We're hopeful that Gerry'll have a relatively short time remaining with those awful long needles up his veins. If he does this well tomorrow (knock wood) then we'll have our full collection. Then we can dance the dance of the stem cell harvest!

My husband, some hotshot.

After all of this blood separating, though, he's absolutely WIPED OUT during and after this procedure, but he's looking better today than he has all week!

After the collections, Gerry slept most of Mon & Tues. Today he stayed awake, reading the paper and puttering around. I'm afraid that if he doesn't rest he'll not have the output he'd like tomorrow. I feel like a Jewish mama. Sleep, sleep!

Note: Gerry will have a central line for the chemo & infusion, but they prefer to harvest though an arm vein if possible due to less complication s from a central line. Gerry has "good veins" so this means that each day of harvest starts with some painful poking, but a complication would be more painful!

Second Note to Jan: Yes, Gerry's using his own stem cells, they're the best match for him. They'll treat them to get rid of as many plasma cells (the bad cancer cells) as they can. The chemo should take care of most of the plasma cells in his body. Then his cleaned stem cells will be infused back into his veins where they will go into his bone marrow and - hopefully - start making new stem cell babies. The second best match would be with his brother or sister, which is not as good of a match as his own cells.


KNIT SOCIETY
I went out for coffee and knitting with friends tonight - what a wonderful group! I really feel at home with these women, they're so kind and so much fun! The nice woman who sent me an email was there this evening, and when she introduced herself I know I looked at her like she had two heads (it took a while for me to put 2 + 2 together!)

On the way I picked up a friend I met, a lovely woman and knitter named Cathy who is here with her husband - also undergoing a BMT for MM. It was fun to introduce her to my new knitting & coffee friends at Dunn Bros, I love seeing nice folks network and meet each other.

And, like me, I know she could use a break from hospitals and cancer related talk.

Gerry and I went to dinner the other night and the waitress told us it was Happy Hour. When she walked away Gerry said, sotto voce and in mock indignation, "Happy Hour? I'm not happy. I have cancer. When are they going to have CANCER hour?"

We chatted about how much we love our husbands but how frustrated we can get. I showed her the cliff I threaten to toss Gerry off of every now and then. The things that wives of cancer patients can only share with each other... Don't tell anyone, okay?

And now, the Bad (ish) news;

JOLT
The Electric Inspector looked at our house this week and approved of the work we've had done so far. But there's a problem with previous work done on the house, before we moved in. Apparently a new electrical breaker box was added (this was a selling point for the house) but no permit was ever pulled, and it's sitting too close to a water source in the basement. Two no-no's which may mean fines - we have to see what the official letter from St. Paul says.

One fix is to move the breaker box - but that would be expensive.

Another fix is to put a wall between the existing box and the water source. This actually wouldn't be all bad as we could configure it so that it gives us a closet-ish type area where we can store fans and A/C units, seasonal stuff. But, once again, we have to pay for this.

It's a bother - and it will cost.

Apparently there's a letter on it's way to us - may already be at our house - from the city of St. Paul telling us we have 30 days to resolve the situation. Our real estate agent emailed us the portion of the sellers disclosure where the previous owners claimed that the work was done by a licensed contractor, in which case a permit should have been pulled.

So either

• The permit was pulled but went missing (lost, not in the system),
• The contractor didn't pull a permit and thus is at fault or
• The previous owners didn't use a contractor.

It's a headache, but that's what life is sometimes. A headache. And I've had a killer all week.

ONLY THE EARTH BELOW US
The floor that we ordered will be a few days late coming in. Not a huge deal. So instead of having the floor before Labor Day, we'll have it after. Eh.

I wish it weren't so, but sometimes things show up later than we'd hope.

I don't think it will be a big headache for my sister in law when she's up there with the kids - I hope not - they should be able to get the small area of floor down in one day (so says our contractor - who I trust!)

RHYMES WITH "NICE"
Apparently during one of Hannah's sleepover sessions with her friends back in NJ a whole bunch of little 'friends' decided to nest in her hair. Well, hers and everyone else's. If you don't have kids, you may be grossed out by this.

But if you do have kids you'll realize that it's become more common (at least more so than when I was a kid) to find outbreaks of lice every now and then. Ick.

So Hannah is staying with the kindest family in the world - folks who weren't even involved in any of this outbreak stuff - and they've agree to let her stay with them for another week so that she doesn't have to fly with this contagion or share it with her cousins up in Boston. My friend, Alison, is the absolute best person in the world. Ever.

Hannah's sad not to be seeing her cousin, but thrilled to be able to spend more time with J, one of her best friends.

It took me a LONG time on the phone with Continental to get all of this straightened out - basically she'll be skipping the NJ - Boston and Boston - NJ portion of her trip. So after (literally) an hour with two different folks, it's all squared away.

AND THEN
As soon as I hung up the hotel phone, our cell phone rang and - guess what? Yep, Maxie has the "L" word, too.
My gut feeling - shave his head.

Eh, maybe not. So now we have two kids far away from us who require heavy duty care above and beyond what any normal person should have to do. Maybe shaving his head ISN'T such a bad idea. He does need a haircut...
I'm spinning out of control and rambling - time to end this post. Too much news and too much re-working, re-organizing, re-scheduling for one day. I bought myself a bottle of Bailey's last night and tonight I'll have a glass. Headache? What headache?

PLUM
Here's a link to some pictures I took at the Plummer bldg yesterday - an amazingly beautiful place.

What a nice respite from the other stuff. Architecture is truly one of the most uplifting of the arts, it can touch my soul in places that nothing else can reach.

Gerry and I really want to get to Plummer House in the next few days, before he starts his chemo and may have a harder time getting around.

www.flickr.com

Fourteen Years

Today is part one of the two day celebration that is our Wedding Anniversary.

Gerry and I were married by a judge on Friday, Aug 20, 1993. Then on Saturday we had a larger 'spiritual', non-religious, ceremony for family and friends.

Fourteen years today. The traditional gift for a 14th anniversary is ivory or an elephant related gift. I got Gerry a refurbished ipod. It's black, but it has white earbuds (almost ivory?)

He's been listening to it all morning - Confessions of an Economic Hitman - during his 5-hour stem cell harvesting session today. I can tell it's wearing him out, but so far he's not suffering the side effects they've mentioned; tingly fingers or nose, nausea.

Our big celebration today will be returning to the hotel and putting Gerry to bed. I'll run out and get him a nice grilled chicken breast or salmon (he's supposed to have protein, but not fatty stuff, during the harvest)

I'm going to see if it's okay if he has a little champagne.

Our nurse today, Ken, turned Gerry onto Duckman - here they are watching it on youtube.

Couple of nuts.

RAINCHESTER
You may have heard about the flooding in Southeast MN. We're a little west of there, but down the street from us a creek overflowed it's banks, so we stopped to take some photos. Gawkers. It was fascinating to see this water running so fast, so hard - fascinating and scary. It's very easy to see how someone could be swept away in an instant.

Today we're supposed to get another 3 inches here in Rochester.

It feels like it's happening on another planet, we're so engrossed in Gerry's own drama.

During a break in the rain we went out to pick up dinner last night, but as soon as we hit the highway the deluge started. So hard, so fast, this is NOT the kind of rain that's needed down here... It's not good for anything.

This is either a car ahead of us, or two VERY angry Mooses.

VICTORY GARDEN
I really love vegetables as landscaping.

I remember about 20 years ago when I first saw cabbages used in front of hotels in Philadelphia for decoration.

And I really loved the uncle in the movie, Withnail & I, who wore radishes on his lapel like a boutonniere.

So ladies and knitters, I bring you the Minnesota version of yard beautification, Veg-scaping.

Extra Musical Note:
As we were leaving the Gonda building, the music of choice today was "Seasons in the Sun" Seriously.

I walked all the way to the car and had the walker and our various bags half packed up before I realized what I was humming. Now we're back home and Gerry's been asleep for a few hours, he'll sleep all night and tomorrow at 8:00 we're back to the aphasis machine!

Clever Little Cells

We heard this evening that Gerry's blood count is good enough to start the harvest tomorrow - hooray!

We'd heard it wasn't uncommon for the growth hormone shots to go on for a few more days - we're glad to be moving on to the next level of this adventure. I swear, it's like a video game.

This makes us oddly giddy - as if Gerry's done something very smart with his little cells (and he has!)

So tomorrow at 7:00 am we'll be at Gonda with bells on, and they'll start the harvesting (separating the stem cells from other blood cells.)

We'll have a threshing party and we'll hope for the best! Harvest is always such a fun time!

Rainy Afternoon

The weather is working for us - albeit, not for everyone else in the county - but for us, this has been a good weather weekend. I can tell when the weather's nice, Gerry itches to get out and DO something. Rain is a respite!

It's raining - overcast, grey, sleep-all-afternoon while watching history documentary kind of weather. Gerry's feeling the effects from his growth hormone shots; achy joints, general malaise and tiredness, but NO fever so far. Yay!

Tonight at 5:00 we call the hospital to get the results from Gerry's blood test. If the numbers are good, we start the harvest tomorrow. If the numbers aren't where we'd like, we have another day of growth hormone shots.

LOOK ALIKE
The nurse who gave Gerry his growth injections on Fri & Sat looked like Vincent D'onofrio in scrubs, and had a nice sense of humor. I gave him a flip knit book and it made him laugh.

I got a nice email from someone who works in the BMT dept of Mayo. The nurse we met with on Thursday to go over the whole procedure once again (I've promised her if she gives me 30 minutes, I'll teach her to knit!) passed along the ad for my Textile Center fund raiser on Friday.

And so this nice person - who is a knitter - emailed me to welcome us to Rochester. We'll have EVERYONE on our BMT team knitting by the time I leave!

Gerry's editing some video that we shot on Friday - he's wanting to do some kind of video diary of his experience. I figured a way to attach his camera to the walker - the gimp-cam we call it.

He just told me that he looks old when he sees himself move on tape. He worries that he'll never be able to stand up straight again. We're wondering exactly how much of the bone damage to his back is irreversible.

We were able to get a board between the mattress & springs, which makes everything more comfortable for G, and we'll have ourselves cuddled in for an afternoon of rest. History of Britain, all 15 episodes, here we come!

DOLLED UP
Atticus has been boarded so far, but on Friday when I drive up to St. Paul for the aforementioned fund raiser at the Textile Center I'll stop by and pick up the puppy, take him to get a nice trim while I head over to get a trim, myself!

I may even get a pedicure, if I'm feeling peppy.

Then I'll pick up Atticus and head over to the center to talk, tell some jokes and sign books. I'm hoping it will be okay that I have the pup with me - I know he'll sit quietly at my feet while I talk, he'll just be so darned happy to SEE me (and vice versa!)

Then back to Rochester, where Atticus will FINALLY be with us for a week before Gerry's mom and sister come into town on 8/29.

If Gerry's up to it, when the kids get into town the next day we'll bring them to Rochester so they can see dad. If Gerry's risk of infection is too great, though, the kids will have to put off seeing him for another week or so.

Atticus, the kids, Gerry's sister and the cat will be back up in St. Paul where they'll hang out while I'm in France. Gerry and his mom will be here in Rochester. I'm hoping to swing a visit to the State Fair for the kids & Gayle on 8/31 , before I leave, and so we can use the Prairie Home Companion tickets I bought SO many weeks ago!

I swear, by the time this is over I should have earned my general's stars for organization!

INTERFAITH OUTSIDE-IN
I'm trying to put the finishing touches on an interfaith essay that's due tomorrow. I try to write from outside myself - disinterestedly? - when I write about interfaith issues. It's hard to look at yourself, your life decisions, from the inside out - but it's the way that makes the most sense to me. It's not that I don't get personal - I do - but not in the same vein as I do for the blog.

Here at my blog I can just rant and write - things don't have to make sense - but often they end up in some kind of nice resolution.

When I write about my own experiences with interfaith marriage, or conversion, or raising my kids as Jews I need to be aware that what I write may have a strong impact on any member of Gerry's family. I need to be careful - while at the same time try to explain my position as honestly as I can. The best way I've found to achieve this is to try to write as though I'm looking at my life from the outside in.

Sometimes writing about writing is the kiss of death - that whole brain-getting-in-the-way thing that I talk about in m classes. Our brains are so powerful - we are so brilliant - that we can stymie ourselves when we try to rein our brains into one specific direction. Especially when we're just at the point of a huge leap - but fearfully stop ourselves (and sometimes crash!)

I've come to believe that intuition is earned by a lifetime of experience, observation and reflection. It's the power to take the reins off the brain so that we're not trying to quantify every tiny thing as we process it. It's accepting our own natural brilliance and letting ourselves trust our brains to know where they're going. Easier said than done.

So my in-the-zone method of writing about something so personal as my own spiritual journey is my attempt to find an intuitive way to explain one woman's walk in the general direction of Judiasm.

Of course, I equate everything with knitting - which could be seen as a slap in the fact to Judiasm OR to knitting, but I see it as a compliment to both - and that route has limited appeal.

All Systems GO!

(an oddly religious post...)

We've been waiting for the final approval from our insurance company for Gerry's transplant.

The way they do things is they give a pre-approval - a guarantee that they'll cover us being here for testing and all of the preliminary stuff. After the testing is turned in and reviewed by the insurance company, then they either approve or reject the actual procedure.

It's a frustration - obviously Gerry needs this and we have felt like we're waiting for someone in a cubicle to give a thumbs up - but it's how the system works. In our case, our insurance company seemed oddly concerned with certain samples.

When these were finally turned in there was a several day delay, hand wringing, and as of last night we still hadn't received approval.

Gerry's been scheduled to start TODAY, so it was with GREAT relief that we heard from insurance that we're good to go early this morning. Huzzah!

So today Gerry had his first Growth Hormone shot. These do several things; they make the body produce more stem cells (we're looking for a total harvest of 12 million, but we'll settle for 10) and they make the bones grow, causing pain in the joints.

The pain's been described to us as ranging from severe, "I thought I'd go NUTS!" to mild, "I hardly noticed, I just took a tylenol."

Every person is different. Gerry's already on Oxy & Hydrocodone for his many bone fractures, so what we may do is just up the hydrocodone for his breakthrough pain.

MOVING AHEAD
Wednesday we had a 'day off' so we drove up to St. Paul to check in with our contractor. Work is moving along very nicely - things are being framed, the sub-floor is ready to go and everything looks good.

When we saw how little room there was between the new bathroom and dining room wall, we decided to forego our 'pantry' cabinets to retain a more open feeling in the kitchen, but we're adding some overhead cabinetry to cover some of this lost storage.

There are two problems to deal with - not huge, but they have to be resolved.

#1 The plumber said that there is a problem on which the inspector is being very firm, so we're waiting to hear the solution to this (we need a 2" pipe where there's currently a 1-1/2" pipe - it's sort of Greek to me...) It involves cutting into a wall and replacing a portion of pipe.

#2 A window has to be resized or moved, not as big a deal as it sounds, but something that became clear when physically marking out the measurements for the appliances. It's not a huge deal, because getting a different sized window won't be hard.

BREATH
I visited the Mayo myself on Tuesday, met with a pullmonary doctor, and had an excellent time trying to cough into a little cup for a few hours. Gerry has NOTHING on me. Well, maybe not...

So after the visit, and some blood tests, it seems that yes - I am having some breathing problems and as long as I'm going to be around they'd like me to have a pulmonary function test next Tuesday (after a week on the steroids I'm taking - something I usually do about twice a year depending on the weather when my breathing get bad) so we'll see what broncho-dialator I'll end up on this time.

To those of you who wrote me about my own small adventure, thanks for your concern!

This was instructional, though, and in a sense was kind of a cool thing to do as a caregiver here at Mayo. It gives me a much better sense of what it might be like - in a very small way - to be in Gerry's shoes.

TIME AWAY
After my doc visit Gerry and I drove up to Lake City and had dinner at a very nice place on the lake. Our waitress was wearing one of the Lance Armstrong bracelets and we began chatting. Her son is at the Mayo right now, in this third year of treatment for Lung Cancer, and we had the feeling that his outlook wasn't as bright as she'd like.

Cancer is odd. Or, rather, the way that cancer - any earth shaking, life shaking experience - can allow folks to open up to each other and understand what's REALLY important is odd.

Speaking of earth shaking, if you're in a house that isn't rocking right now - that's standing - and you're safe, think about visiting Save The Children to make a donation to help folks in the middle of a huge natural disaster.

As we chatted with this woman, we felt we'd been lightly adopted - she took extra pains with Gerry's meal (he ordered the Bison, and loved it!) and several times we all just escaped tears. She told us she has 10 kids. Now 12?

We've decided that - with our small appetites these days - the best thing we can do is have one nice meal a day around lunch then have the leftovers for dinner. It's nice - not a lot of waste, we're eating less, and we get to have a nice meal out!

She said she'd add Gerry to her prayer list, which was lovely of her (there was an off-duty priest sitting behind us, we felt very well covered) and it made me ponder something that's been rolling around in my head.

THE ODDLY RELIGIOUS PORTION
No matter how we view our own spirituality - whether we're born-again Fundamentalist, Agnostic, Jewish, Hindu, Muslim, traditional Catholics or Wikkan - anything, really - we appreciate the connection that prayer - or simple meditation - seems to give us to something great either inside or outside of us.

After all, Heaven is within us.

At first when folks were writing to us, telling us their church group was praying for Gerry, I wasn't sure how to respond.

We have a Jewish home, I was raised somewhere between Presbyterian & Free Methodist, and have developed (what else?) unorthodox ideas about the concept of god (I'm rather Deist - yep, me and Tom Jefferson)

So usually I just write "Thank you!" and some version of, "Right back at ya!" I didn't want to get into a situation where I was fending off a witnessing - hurt feelings on either side don't help anyone, don't go making me revile you!

But I do want folks to know that no matter where their good thoughts are coming from, we're happy to have them. My personal belief is that they - the good wishes - all spring from the same place. Where this is, I don't really know for sure.

But I DO know they're there.

Maybe inside of this beautiful little glass bone bead, hand made for me by Judy (a local knitter who invited me to her knitting group at Dunn Bros coffee last night) and filled with Hope.

I just love this. Thank you, Judy! And thank you to EVERYONE last night who made Gerry and me feel so welcomed - we both really enjoyed our time together with you!

A good friend from back home wrote me the loveliest note a few weeks ago with this tidbit:

In Hinduism, there is a goddess called Durga. She is the goddess of strength and power and has ten hands (each with a special weapon from other gods) with which she single handedly kills the most powerful demon that had attacked our planet.

She is also a loving wife and caretaker of her family.

I wish you the strength of Durga as you chart your course through this difficult time in your lives. May she give you the strength to overcome your difficulties and may Kali protect you and remove the hurdles in your path.

Which is about the nicest thing anyone's ever wished for me - for us.

RED WING REDUX
After dinner in Lake City we drove on up to Red Wing so Gerry could see the house that I looked at - and loved - this past Fall.

We ultimately decided against the house for several reasons - being the only Jews in the county among them, think how long it would take to get the kids to Hebrew School!

But I was SO drawn by this house. At the time I thought, "A different time, different circumstances, and this would be the perfect house!" I wrote in my blog at the time that if I could run away with a house, this would be it.

We drove up to the house and were met buy the guy who DID buy it - he moved in 2 months ago - a very nice guy who lives there with his two dogs & wife.

We had the nicest chat about how beautiful the house is, how lucky they are to have it, and how lucky we were to find the right house for us in St. Paul.

We also talked about gardening - this fellow runs a website, The Pallina, where interesting gardening apparel is sold. There is certainly ample space at the Red Wing house - or Morningside as we discovered it's been known in the past - for some wonderful English-type gardening.

CORN-A-BUNGA (Man!)
Driving back to Rochester on 58, south of Red Wing, we saw this amusing corn fields - so I stopped the car and shot a few pictures. I don't know if this was fun to plow and plant, but I hope so - it's fun to see! It's like a wave of corn!

We're trying to take time to stop along the side of the road when we feel like it.

I turned back to the car and was startled to see this. Amusing, no?

It looks like someone is getting a little full of himself. This is the Gerry I fell in love with - it's good to see him again!

Thank Durga!

TOO MUCH OF A GOOD THING?
When we picked up our mail in St. Paul there was a box of yarn from Tilli Tomas - I was so swoon-inclined that I had to rest when I opened the box - I had the vapors!

It's as sumptuous in person as it seems in the photo. It's a new yarn, Plie, which is spun much more tightly than other yarns by TT that I've used. Fabulous!

But then I realized that my long-suffering swift, good ol' Swifty, has probably seen the end of the run. You've been a stalwart traveling companion, my umbrella-armed friend, and I've been patching you with odd bits of wire for years now. But I'm afraid we've reached the end of our time together.

So what to do with all this yarn & no swift? Yes, I used Gerry - but that's only fun for one skein or so. Then I tried our office chair, but it was cumbersome and hard to get up to speed.

Finally I hit on the best solution - an inverted cone-shaped lampshade with it's finial loosened. Maybe this is one of the tools that Durga's been given?

Huzzah, huzzah!

A Weight Is Lifted

We have a new case worker with our insurance company, and we discovered something quite wonderful...

We get a [small] daily stipend for meals and room!

It's not huge, it doesn't cover everything, but it's more than we thought we'd be getting. This is amazing.

Apparently when we were looking into the program at the U of Mn this wasn't available because Gerry would be an in patient. When we moved our treatment to Mayo, Gerry became an outpatient and thus the stipend kicked in.

But we didn't know about it - not until the NEW case worker made us aware of it.

Yay, new, improved case worker! Here Gerry is celebrating with Gigi, who really couldn't care less as long as she has her Meow Mix. She's plotting escape routes.

So - in light of this amazing new news - I've removed the heart tugging photo of Gerry & Maxie from the sidebar of my blog, and have updated the Red Carpet Convertible page to reflect our good news.

We have no idea where we'll be a few months from now (why should we be any different than most of the world?), but we're assuming the best and at this point we're covered for our budgeted non-medical expenses between what the insurance will cough up and what folks have given in exchange for the Red Carpet Convertible.

Once again, thank you to EVERYONE who helped us by purchasing the pattern. THANK YOU!

I hadn't realized just what a weight this was on my mind until it was gone - and suddenly it's like I removed a pair of dark glasses - everything is lighter! Actually, today everything is overcast weather-wise, and we had some MAJOR hail last night lashing at the window, but in our internal world it's sunny and bright! Gerry slept better last night than he has in weeks.

KNIT MUCH?
I didn't think I'd be getting much knitting done for the first week - so many appointments to make, so much driving and rushing - but I'm making progress on three separate projects and sketching as much as I can when the inspiration strikes.

All of these unique clothing pieces and the beautiful art at the Mayo is very inspirational.

If I can finish the blue piece soon, I can send that off to VK and life will be good.

The more observant of you may notice that this is VERY different from my original swatch. That's how things work sometimes...

Adina at VK wanted something lacier, and less rectangular, and I'm loving how this new incarnation is working out.

The bonus is that I can use my earlier idea and create a new design. Woo!

WEATHER INDUCED
Speaking of weather, my COPD's been behaving badly - not terribly - just annoying with lots of middle of the night waking, coughing, and shortness of breath. I've been worse, but it's noticeable and I don't want to get kicked out of the chemo wing. So yesterday Gerry insisted I register myself at the Mayo and make an appt to see a pulmonary doc (luckily there was a cancellation, so I'll be seeing someone today!)

In our time in St. Paul I hadn't had the chance to find a new pulmonary doc (I really liked mine back in NJ) so I've let the COPD slide and I've been treating it like severe asthma. Not a great long-term plan. So hopefully today I'll get a new regime of things I must do to retain my good breathing health - and be here 100% for Gerry.

Every time I fill out one of those 15-page health background forms, I'm shocked by how healthy I really am! Except for the breathing, and a need to lose 10 (or 50) pounds, I'm in pretty good shape! So - pretty much just to get attention - now I'm being treated at the Mayo, too!

So there, Mr. Landy.

FUN STUFF
I've been wearing the same tired old pair of floral Birkenstocks for years now - I love them, but they're not the most elegant of footwear.

I saw these on sale last week near the Mayo - and yesterday I bought them. Good for Spring, Summer and part of Fall - and a nice bargain.

France, here I come! Perhaps Gigi would like to come with me?

HOLY COW!
The scooter is gone.

Hold the Mayo

At the Mayo there are signs all over the place that if you're sneezing or coughing, STAY AWAY.

I appreciate these signs - it will be only a short time until Gerry's undergoing his high-dose chemo, and will be susceptible to all kinds of viruses.

But I woke up with a pretty strong sneezing, coughing, headachy cold this morning - I had a headache as I went to bed, I though it was the thunderstorms - but it's turned into a full flown chest cold. Lots of coughing.

Maybe I picked something up, or maybe it's the stress & smokey room (which is much better now!) but I'm going to take it easy for a day or so. Luckily, there's a 5 day break while we wait for final approval from Gerry's insurance company, so during this time I'll be entirely away from Mayo until Thursday, when Gerry begins getting his growth hormone to create more stem cells.

FREEDOM
Gerry's taking advantage of this by driving over to a grocery store - I think he's relishing just being out alone, something he's not done in weeks, and something everyone needs.

He's feeling better than he has in months, so if he wants to get out and enjoy himself on his own for a bit - all the better!

He walked in while I was writing this - yay - why I should be worried when he's out I don't know. I guess it's a learned behavior that I'll have to break myself of when we're back home and he's getting better and better.

Last night on one of the MM sites he visits a fellow announced that his wife just lost her MM battle after 3 years. It was a somber moment when Gerry told me - and, of course, we asked each other, "Was she taking the drugs I am?", "Did she have a BMT?" But this is, after all is said and done, a very individualistic disease.

So if he wants to run around buying staplers, laundry soap and small tripods (he's creating a video diary of his experience) then bless him. Any small autonomy is good.

WIND
We drove over to Otawanna yesterday to do some shopping, we needed to pick up some hardware stuff, look at ceiling fans (we still hadn't found the right one for our kitchen) and - let's face it - we were going a little stir crazy. We just needed to get out.

On the drive the weather was very odd - dark clouds in front of us with lightning flashing - but sunny where we were. The sun seemed to follow us - even when we headed into a brief shower, we were in the sun.

We drove past a wind farm - Gerry'd never seen one before, I'd seen the small one in Pennsylvania last year. When we were in Duluth we saw the huge fan blades and other parts for these - they're absolutely huge. To see so many at a time is a little breathtaking.

In Owatanna we also visited the outlet malls - why not? - and I found some linen pants and tops which I'd been looking for on super-duper no-one-wants-us reduction of $12.25 each.

Now I have a pair of linen pants and a top to wear to appointments so I don't look like a tourist at a theme park in shorts & a t shirt.

If Mayo's trying so hard to look nice for us, we should return the favor, n'est ce pas?

I haven't bought summer clothes in a long time. With my teaching curtailed this summer there was no need. But I want to look good for Gerry, and I need to get some halfway decent looking stuff for France.

Until Gerry gets his central line put in for the chemo (a direct line into his chest so he won't need repeated needle sticks in his arm), he'll be able to get into the pool and I think it would be VERY good for to build some strength in his bones. Moving around in a more weightless environment. So we picked up a bathing suit that will actually FIT him at Cabela's ($8!) and explored the magic that is a venison cafeteria.

LEARNED BEHAVIOR?
I have always been a 'door holder' - we know who we are. We rush to open a door for someone who needs it, and end up holding it for many, many folks. I don't mind - it gives me something to do and, as I tell the folks who walk by thanking me, now I have a second career. Doormen (people?) can earn good money if they're in a good union.

Very rarely someone neglects to thank me - it's so unusual that it's notable. As we were leaving one shop at the outlet mall yesterday and I held the door open for Gerry, another guy walked through, then another guy, then a third youngish, physically healthy specimen strolled by.

The odd thing was that this guy had two daughters, around 5 or 6, and they followed him out. Perhaps I just seemed like part of the landscape at that point, but not only did he not nod, thank or even acknowledge me, he just assumed I'd hold the door open for his daughters (which, of course, I did!)

Such a small thing, but it made me wonder; what kind of dad just walks out of a building assuming that his kids will be okay? I usually position myself BEHIND Hannah and Max when we leave a building (something I never thought of until now, I guess to make sure we all get out okay.) Mom brings up the rear.

But even if I walked out first I'd turn to make sure non one got caught in a door, got interested in something else and wandered away, or worse.

Gerry noticed it and chalked it up to the "getting ahead" mentality you see around us on TV and in our culture. Be first, get out ahead, we are number one, he who dies with the most toys wins. A sad type of thinking.

We noticed this guy strolling into another store - once again, not even noticing if his daughters had a hard time with the door

Seriously, what kind of person doesn't turn around as they walk through a door to see if someone else is coming or to make sure it doesn't catch someone else?

The store was called Big Dog and Gerry and I couldn't believe the phrases plastered all over their Tshirts. Here are two shirts that were in the window - two of the least insulting that we saw.

What's the point of being so unnecessarily nasty? I just stay away from writing on T shirts unless it's a school I've attended or knitting related.

Gerry commented that it probably wasn't by accident that this guy went into this store. I wonder if his daughters will be door holders?

ACCOUNT-ABILITY
I felt it might be good to mention again where we are, why we're here, what we're doing, etc. As I said, Gerry's working on a video diary of this whole thing, I'm curious to see how it comes out. There may be a Gerry blog soon - or not. If there is I want it to be a release, not a chore.

When we knew we'd be coming to the Mayo, we drove down to Rochester and looked at several extended stay hotels and other options. Out of everything we saw, Staybridge Suites was by far the best value for the money. If we're here for 30 days it should run roughly $65/day, which is more than a place like Hope Lodge or Transplant House (free or $25/day.)

Folks have asked - in the nicest way - why we're not at the Hope Lodge. We're here at Staybridge Suites mostly for the pet policy - we can have Gigi and eventually Atticus here with us. Also, when the kids are back from NJ we'd