I’m up. It’s 5am and by default I have Morning Joe on (I NEVER watched that show until I had cancer, now it’s something I automatically turn on when I’m up with my early morning cancer wakings.)
I feel like crap, but I honestly feel like much BETTER crap than I did a few days ago.
This has been true every day that I’ve queried myself for the past two weeks.
I feel like doggy-doo, but it’s better looking doggy-doo than yesterday.
HUGE on my mind right now is the start of my next (third) round of chemo, set to start on Monday 10/15. I will be hospitalized for 5 days for this adventure.
I’m smack in the middle of the four full rounds of chemo that are required to treat this fast moving cancer, two are finished, two are yet to go.
Of the two that are finished, one was an ‘easy’ one (I was able to do the chemo at home with a pump attached to my port.)
The other chemo round was a very hard one (in the hospital for the full time, lots of sickness, lots of pain and exhaustion, released when the chemo was finally finished.)
The recovery from chemo rounds 1 & 2 were exactly as you’d imagine; Round 1 went pretty smoothly, Round 2 was hell. Rounds 3 & 4 will be MUCH more like Round 2, no more Mr.-Nice-Pump for me, it’s all going to be chemo in a hospital bed, clinging to the railing, puking and trying not to make too much of a mess as I get up to use the toilet. Actually, I guess I AM glad that it’s not happening in my home.
I’m terrified that Round 3 will be even MORE hellish, and I fear that I’m going to cry like a little girl.
Which I KNOW is “okay” – but it’s still not fun.
I keep racking my brain for ANY food that is remotely appealing, but everything I try (even stuff that “sounds good”) ends up being a vehicle for nausea. Even my old stand by, ice cream. Oy.
Yep, I def only can stomach the pricier ‘real ingredients’ stuff!
So, I’m still here. A little shaky, a little pale, and apparently I’m right in the “eye” of the chemo, but I’ll get through it. Thank you for being here with me.
Physically I feel rather lonely. I can’t really see many folks, I’m SO susceptible to any kind of infection, so the fewer people I see, the better my chances for getting through this without a serious complication. I miss human interaction, though. Gerry loves me, Andy is amazing, and every week or so I see Kathleen. But aside from that I’m kind of on my own, and I never realized how much I get from just BEING with other folks.
Thank god for the kitties and Jasper, they love me so much, and I love them.