I’m feeling like I’m moving backwards, as though my pain has increased this week and my ability to deal with my numb legs is diminishing. My knees are SO sore (I fell on them in the shower a little over a month ago…) that they scream with every step.
Part of this feeling is due to the fact we’ve reduced my Oxycontin from 30mg to 20mg, so there’s where some of the pain is coming from. But I just can’t shake the feeling that I’m moving backwards.
I need to keep myself in a positive frame of mind; that is vital. But it’s SO damned hard.
I try to think of how far I’ve come, and what a different place I’m in now than I was just six weeks ago. It’s valid and a good point. Then I get up and try to walk to the bathroom and my legs are screaming, my knees feel weak, and I feel almost ready to give up.
I know that I’m feeling scared about Andy leaving for 8 days at the end of Feb, but I’m THRILLED that friends will be coming to stay with me. I worry that my pain levels will continue to increase and I will be a burden on our friends who come to baby sit me, but I just have to get over that.
On the HUGE plus side: I took a shower this morning, I ran the water, got into the shower, soaped up and rinsed off and got OUT of the shower. While I was drying my legs were shaking so hard – I just don’t have the stamina that I used to have – but doing stuff like taking a shower on my own is how I WILL create the stamina that I need.
If only it didn’t take so damned long.